i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize