I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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