can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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