last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
