I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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