So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
