Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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