I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
