So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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