I will die if light touches me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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