ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize