I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize