i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
