A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
