this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
