i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
