i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
