Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
