That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
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