Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
