Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize