Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
