Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
