my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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