it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
