Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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