its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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