Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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