Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
