Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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