im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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