There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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