I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
