Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
