So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
