turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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