just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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