But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize