9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
