I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
