I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
