If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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