my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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