Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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