I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
