i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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