i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
