Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
