I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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