ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
