first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
