two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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