im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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