Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize