not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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