News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
