his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
