no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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