Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
