I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
